Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Majlis Strikes Back (Fictional Piece)

As I looked around, tears formed in my eyes. Xenaphobia against Indians had reached its limits thanks to the.....Majlis!

It was just a few months ago that the Majlis decided to declare war on South Africa since they had come to the conclusion that all South Africans are disbelievers and must be fought, especially the apostates, i.e. all the other Muslims. So they began calling people for Jihad and a lot of youth got riled up and joined their Jihad.

The Jihad initially started with a press release, every Majlis issue ever was distributed to every Masjid in SA. Huge posters were put up saying, "Do not support the evil apostate Baboon Ulema-e-Zuuul and do not eat filthy carrion halalized chickens!" At first people ignored it, then tragedy struck....

Two weeks later, a young supporter of Majlis went on a suicide mission to Rainbow Chickens, he was successful and blew up the plantation massacring twenty five thousand chickens and himself, thus saving the chickens from being tortured by electrocution and saving Muslims from eating "Haram Carrion Stinking Rotten Halalized Chicken"

The backlash of this was that the government banned all Muslim butcheries stating that this was a terrorist attack aimed at undercutting the business of rainbow chicken. Soon Muslims in South Africa had no where to buy Halal Chicken from and started rethinking the ruling of eating the meat of "the people of the book,". This only angered Majlis more and they sent out new articles stating that the people of the book at the time of the prophet were different and not the "Immoral Filthy Kaafir" of today. Again nobody took this seriously, except Jews and Christians in South Africa who were now afraid of going the same way as Rainbow Chicken.

They formed the "POTBAM" (People of the Book Against Majlis) society and asked the government to arrest Majlis on terrorist charges. Unfortunately, Zuma was too busy taking a shower to care.

The Jamiats and MJC all united in the face of this new treat from Majlis but refused to unite with the Salafis, Barelwis and Progressives. This unity lasted one meeting until the head of the Jamait KZN accused the other Jamiats of being Pro-Salafi and they all accused MJC of being Modernist. Soon every Masjid in SA had posters up from each of these groups asking to boycott the others, as well as a poster from Majlis declaring all these groups and their supporters "Filthy Dirty Apostates"

The biggest shock came on what was suppose to be most blessed day in South Africa, Zuma and a few other members of the ANC including the head of the Youth League were going to take their Shahadah and join the Muslim community. Zuma and his friends however quickly revealed that they were firm Majlis supporters and the youth league changed their slogan from "Kill for Zuma" to "Kill for Allah" Zuma then declared Maulana A.S. Desai the new Caliph of South Africa.

From then on, things got even worse. The first order of the Majlis was not to stop crime or end poverty, rather they officially banned all commercially slaughtered chickens and when asked what will the millions of starving South African people eat, Desai replied, "Let them eat Hake!"

Within a few weeks, the following changes were made to 'Islamize' South Africa:

1) All Chairs and High Pan Toilets were banned!
2) All women had to wear full niqab and were banned from public places, with Non-Muslim women wearing red shoes to distinguish them from the Muslims!
3) Entertainment was banned outright as was all media and technology!
4) All Secular Schools were shut down and all children were forced into Darul Ulooms and makthabs

However they could not enforce any of the above, as mass Xenophobia against Indians started. The Progressives and Salafis explained that this was not Islam but Indian culture, thus the locals decided to get rid off all Indians which included the Salafis, Progressives and Hindus since they wanted no sign of Indian culture left in South Africa. Riots broke up countrywide while the locals shouted 'Get the F(atwa) out off our country!'

The South African Economy crumbled, all Majlis members were publicly executed by rebels, Indians were massacred, those who survived were grouped together into a concentration camp called 'District 10' were they shared tents with some strange creatures that resembled prawns and Islam was officially banned in South Africa.

Morals of the Story:
1) We Muslims don't deserve power until we understand and implement Islam properly
2) Terrorism by a few idiots is all thats needed to ruin life and the Dawah for all South Africans so lets sort them out now!
3) Allah save us from the day Majlis has power over anyone but themselves.


anotherkamdar said...

lol scary stuff

Am I a true Muslim? said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I got so into the story that I forgot it was fictional and half way through was wondering how I did not hear of this craziness before LOL. Sobhanallah, nice message sheikh. It is good to see your imagination is active and healthy!