Ten Friday Torture Talks

Having just endured another excruciatingly boring and outdated Jumah lecture, I can't feel anything but pity for the majority of Muslims in SA whose only taste of Islamic knowledge is these khutbahs, no wonder they are so apprehensive when we have Islamic lectures on other days besides Jumah, they can't imagine good speakers and relevant lectures.

Sigh, if only they allowed me to speak on Jumah platforms still, people enjoyed it but the big shots did not, maybe its because I spoke about how badly children are treated in the masjid, or that time I spoke about the haram practices of businessmen, maybe it was my analysis of the Da Vinci Code from the mimbar, or maybe it was my last khutbah were I spoke about Halal Entertainment. Whatever it was, the people in charge won't let me and my big mouth on the mimbar around here anymore

So what do we get instead, the same old every week, here are ten often repeated Jumah khutbahs with my thoughts while the khutbah is on:

1. The Salah Khutbah

"We must pray our five daily Salah. Salah is compulsory. We must pray our five daily Salah. It is Haram to miss a Salah." (repeat for half an hour with one or two points lost in between)

The crowd knows this, they've heard this talk at least twenty times this year alone, if they still not praying Salah, repeating the talk won't help, why don't you add new material, explain to them some incentives to pray, adopt a different approach because in case you did not notice, this lecture is not working!

2. The How to make Wudhu Khutbah

Seriously, anybody sitting at Jumah who can't make Wudhu? If so, is it so many people that you have to give a Jumah Khutbah about it? 99% of the crowd was taught all this in preschool. If one or two people still don't know, talk to them personally don't bore the entire crowd to death with preschool level fiqh.

3. The standard important day Khutbah

Every first day of Ramadan, we hear the same khutbah....in EVERY Masjid. Every Eidul Adha we hear the exact same story of Ibrahim (AS) at every Eid Gah! Is there a standard khutbah book being passed around or something? It's like if its a special day, the entire crowd has already memorized the lecture before it begins. I'm serious, I use to teach in a school were the kids would tell me the Jumah lecture before it happens because the lecturer gives the exact same lecture every year on the same date! teach us something new please, there is so much Muslims don't know about their deen yet!

4. The Wrong Language Lecture

Nothing is worse than going to a Masjid only to discover the lecture is in Urdu in a Masjid were 99% of the crowd speak English! That's when I put my head down and sleep till the lecturer sneezes loudly and gives us all a heart attack (happened once)

5. The Everything-is-Haram Khutbah

This one I heard today again, sports is haram, celebrations are haram, television is haram even if it is an Islamic station, Muslims should never be happy until they enter Jannah (his exact words). This is the lecture that nobody takes seriously and at the same time it puts a lot of people off Islam, These Moulanas need to study Fiqh again, maybe when my book "Entertainment in Islam" is published, I'll send them some copies. Then again maybe not, since they'll just burn it without reading it.

6. The written-by-someone-else Khutbah

When I was studying, my classmates would borrow my lectures and read them out Jumah time then they would wonder why people enjoy it when I said it but didn't when they did. Two reasons: 1. you read, you suppose to speak. 2. It wasn't your writing so it wasn't from your heart. I hate it when the Khateeb pulls out a page and just reads without ever looking up, probably because he is afraid to see all the sleeping faces.

7. The Muslims-are-bad Khutbah

How often have you heard a Moulana give a lecture about the state of the ummah, complaining about everyone from other Moulanas to your granny. Nobody gets spared in this Khutbah of how bad the ummah is. His solution? Nothing, he never gives one, it's just a half hour rant about how bad we all are without any practical advice. Thank you for caring!

8. The Zikr Khutbah

Everybody should hear this one at least twice a year. It's the one in which Zikr is mentioned 897 times with out any definition or practical advice on how and when to make Zikr. It goes like this, "The Sahabah made Zikr, all of the prophets made Zikr, we must all make Zikr," We get it, we all know we must Zikr, you said that before, now pleasegive a khutbah about how to sort out the drug problem in our community.

9. The My-shaykh-said Khutbah

This is the Khutbah were every line starts with, my shaykh once told me.....Yet not a single verse from the Quran or Hadith is quoted. So how do we know his Shaykh is right? Read the next Khutbah

10. The Ulema-are-always-right Khutbah

Now a standard monthly khutbah. This one says that the local Moulanas can never be wrong and we must blindly follow them in everything they say, because they were taught by their Shaykhs who are great Buzrugs and can never be wrong. Well looking at the above list, I can see that.

Its suppose to be Top Ten, but i want to throw two more I hear too often:

11. The how-to-drink-Islamicly Khutbah

An entire Khutbah dedicated to the sunnahs of drinking and eating, while nobody speaks about the marriage problems, drug problems and social problems in our community. How relevant.

12. The women-are-deficient Khutbah

I memorized this one because I heard it so many times, it's the lecture about how all our problems and fitnahs are because of the deficient women not wanting to live in their kitchens 24/7. The same Khutbah which bashes women for studying, shopping, teaching and doing social work. No need to comment, this one speaks for itself.